Saturday, 31 January 2009

As the sun came up over the conker tree....

Hat tip to Grumpy Old Twat for the nostalgia trip. I dropped the Queer one off to work this morning and got back home, made a coffee and sat in front of the box just to channel hop and see what took my interest. Imagine my delight when i came across a channel which proclaimed Roobarb was on next ...wooohhoooooo!!!!! Then imagine my dismay as the realization slowly dawned that this was not the original series. The first give away should have been the fact that it was called Roobarb & Custard too, it was always just Roobarb. Second was that the animation was too new and clean, oh it still flickered a bit like the original but, naaaahh, it just wasn't there anymore, it was always better when it looked real dodgy, although Richard Briers still does an excellent job of the narration. It was made in 2005.

Anyway, here's a Youtube link if anybody wants to see some originals. Even my eleven year old Daughter agrees they are better, even if it was just because she hadn't seen me laugh so much in ages. It has taken me twenty minutes to pull my sides in to post this. When you hear an old fucking coffin dodger saying things like "They don't make them like they used used to.", you'd better believe they know what they are talking about.

Friday, 30 January 2009

paul gadd is a paedophile....

The rest of the former Glitter Band however are not. This has been rattling round my head for quite a while now, H/T to Fido for reminding me. Ever since the gloating, slimy bearded one was arrested for having indecent images of kids on his pc, i haven't heard one single radio or tv station with the balls to play any of the bands hits. Many of my generation grew up through the seventies enjoying that kind of stuff, it was part of the soundtrack of our childhood.

What the media need to do is seperate the identity of Gary Glitter from paul gadd and whenever there is a story in the news about him and his child preying antics, just refer to him as paul gadd, because otherwise he is still getting the publicity he craves. Radio & TV stations.....start playing Glitter Band records again, they were the unknown losers in all this sordid business, they have done no harm yet they have lost so much over the years in royalties due to the media tendency to bandwagon and not play them.....any royalties due to gadd could go towards funding a child protection organization or something (though i can't imagine them wanting his money)

Letter to Downing Street.

Dear Prime Minister (unelect),

I hope this letter finds you in the same good cheer with which it left me. You see i write to you with a positive and optimistic attitude that we are going to come through these difficult times with smiles on our faces. Over the Christmas and new year period, i was stung by the CSA for £121 a week, YES Gordon, that's one hundred and twenty one pounds, join that up with the facts that the company i work for (and not a bad company as it happens) had to cut down working hours to bare minimum and i had three weeks pay to get me through the holiday period, you can just imagine that i didn't have a lot of money to tide us over, why i even had to borrow off friends (oh the humiliation), YES Gordon, friends, not the sort you buy with promises of peerages for donations, but real, solid friends that stand by you through thick and thin. I wonder if you will have the good fortune to know such people when your time is at hand? I've heard they're already talking behind your back and think you are a little how shall we say, out of your tree? Personally i think you are looking a little bit tired. Let's ask the readers, what do you think readers? Do you think our (piss) poor unelected PM is looking a little tired? Anyhow, as i've said we got through this particularly difficult period during which i vowed that it would never happen again with the help of friends, and all of a sudden i find myself in possession of an 07 plate car? Does that astound you? Did you really think you'd fucked up this country so badly that NOBODY would be able to have anything decent? If you did think that Gord, then i think that it is a very childish attitude and certainly not becoming a man who would believe that he "saved the world". I see this car as a landmark in my determination to get myself out of this financial shit-heap i currently find myself in. And get myself out i will.

Others may not be so fortunate, after all who could fail to notice the daily reports of people all over the UK losing their jobs? Jobs that were once grounded in a flourishing economy, which has been all but destroyed by your thieving, conniving cabinet of butt sucking pigs. An economy you insist was destroyed by problems starting in America? Well there's gratitude, a great nation who stood by ours through two world wars and you repay them by blaming them for our current financial mess? No Gord, the blame lies squarely at your door. You promised "British jobs for British workers"...try to deny it and i'll have you fed to the dogs. Yet we see that oil refinery construction jobs are going to Italian and other migrant workers, a big kick in the balls for the thousands of British people being laid off everyday in your "Cool Britannia" wouldn't you say? And don't you DARE try and accuse me of being racist, I am just thinking about the future of this country, something which you are evidently not doing. Never mind, whitey/blacky or whatever think tank hare brained label you come up with to try to keep us all divided, I have come to the conclusion that each and everyone of us are niggers as far as you and your trough-nosed, champagne swilling socialist pals are concerned.

But the point here Gord is this....I wish you no ill will, after all i want you to be around to watch the destruction of your Nero-esque little empire, an empire which really doesn't stretch much beyond your imagination but does have far reaching consequences in the real world. Yes Gord, i know you will be fiddling while it burns as you have been fiddling all along, but rest assured, you will not pass another General Election and remain in office. For Heavens sake man!!! You are supposed to be running a country, not playing with toys in your fucking attic. I would in all sincerity request that you resign right now to save yourself further humiliation at the polling booths next year, but being a realist, i know there are two chances of you doing that, half a chance and no fucking chance. However i do take a little comfort in the fact that as next year will mark thirteen years of Zanu Labour misrule, then i think it poetic justice that your long awaited and well deserved kick in the bollocks would be meted out in that year.

Yes Gordon, i want you to watch, open mouthed as it will be US, the PEOPLE of this Great Nation, who steer us out of these hard times, and not your fat, lardy-arsed self with your bloated, deluded, megalomaniacal party of pig-swill quaffers......

ps. Love to Sarah and the kids

Thursday, 29 January 2009

Kick my dog....

You can kick a dog only so many times before it turns around and fucking bites you. I think and sincerely hope that this is the run up to finally kicking this morally and financially corrupt labour government into touch for good.

See how eternally grateful Johnny
Foreigner is to the hand that
feeds him?

It's high time that our fat, useless, bloated fuck-up of an un-elected PM and his braying bunch of champagne donkeys got a real taste of the shit on the ground.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Sexy bitch

Right, so some of you won't post the pic of hideous drunken chav cunt Nicola Gardner.... but i will. For those of a nervous disposition or in possession of a delicate tummy, here is the blindfold.

Otherwise, here is the link to the article.

Couple of everybody she knows too afraid to tell her that she does not in any way or form look good in that shit? Obviously so, fucking hell, she scared the bejesus out of the burglar who just tried to get in through my bedroom window and fell back and landed on my daughters trampoline. I've just been informed by his solicitor Mr. Ram Jam Grabbdacash (not a paki) that he intends to sue me for traumatic stress disorder.

Secondly...thirty fucking seven my fucking arse!! I've seen younger looking prolapses hanging from an elephants arse. She has more chins than a chinese phone book. Have these people no fucking shame? Why does she dress like some fucking teenager who hangs round off licences? And she's not the only one either. There is so much mutton dressed as lamb out there that it's no fucking wonder that kebabs are starting to contain more pork. She's probably making the local 12 year old lads go down on her badly packed kebab in return for a ten quid bag of skag or whatever it is they are ingesting these days. It would be good to pour a little lighter fluid over this Lager soaked lard-arse and then hold a match underneath those polyester rags she is wearing and watch it all go up in flames, but then stand at a safe distance as i recall vividly the stench of cows being incinerated near Gloucester during the foot& mouth epidemic a few years back. And the thing that fries my shit is that yet again this is another state(taxpayer) sponsored lump of freeloading chav shit.

Bad Kitty

Not the greatest photo-shopping i know but still, it had to be done.

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

'Allo John got a new motor?

Will be back as soon as i get my head settled after a mad few weeks of rollercoaster finances. Tell me something, how does one go from being a fucking pauper who couldn't afford to run ones heating over the new year in minus 0 temperatures to being in proud possession of an 07 Peugeot 207 Sport?

Fucking desperation that's how. My old Pug has served me well bless her, she is 18 this year and she was given to me by a friend nearly 2 years ago not long before i got my licence. Only this last week she has started coming under the weather and struggling to pull off from a start and to get up a hill. Just for the hell of it the Queer one and I popped into a local used car dealer last night to see what was available and to suss what sort of stupid money we would have to shell out next month for a deposit were we to go for it. We sat in the Peugeot and immediately it wrapped itself around me, one instinctively knows when something is right, we played around with controls and what not as you do, then we went to have a look at a Ford Fiesta Style, as soon as we got in there we were both "nah no way, no life no personality nothing"

Anyway went to give the keys back to guys in dealers and tell them we'll be back next month with a deposit and see how we fare, to cut a long story short we were persuaded to go through a few things (yeah they really twisted my fucking arm there seeing as my projected time frame for the demise of the old Pug was given this weekend as a limit) and by this morning they had told me everything was go. So there we are, if I can get finance when i'm as blacklisted as fucking Washington, then it proves that they are really desperate for the fucking custom.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

New years honours Twat List......

#4 James Newell Osterberg, Jr.

Also known as Iggy fucking Pop. This is more of an "i feel kind of sorry for him" rather than i hate him sort of thing. It's not like he hasn't performed any noteworthy music, i quite like the passenger even though it's the only song of his i can recall (there are probably quite a few of his i know but just don't know them by name) but other than that all this fucker is famous for up until now is having (or should that read being?) a huge whang and cutting himself on stage, what a stupid self harming cunt.

But, as an old saying goes, "whatever floats your boat". My beef is that at nearly 61, he is not only still parading around flashing his "moobs" as my daughter calls them with skin tight jeans on and thinking he is sooooooOOOOOOO* sexy, but that he has actually become an insurance salesman. For fucks sake, he has become the embodiment of everything he fucking rebelled against 30 odd years ago, what a cunt.

Whats the matter Jim? Can't you afford a haircut these days?

courtesy of daughters teenage American Hannah Montana type speak

Monday, 12 January 2009

...are more equal than others

Well surprise surfuckingprise, poor inept Sharon Shoesmith lost her appeal....."hear hear....bravo...not before time" i hear the armchair backbenchers concur...

But what i would like to know is, why was she allowed to appeal in the first place, given that it was nearly a month between her getting the sack and then submitting her appeal? If one of us proles gets the sack from any job we do, then we get a limit of three, YES THREE, count them, 1, 2, 3 generous working days before us lucky, lucky plebs who don't know we're born and who have never had it so fucking good, are no longer allowed to put in an appeal for ourselves (doffs cap, wrings hands, bows head and mumbles "gawd bless ya nu labour")

But it's just another statistic in this governments long list of fuck ups where some are more equal than others.

New Years Honours Twat List......

#3 Ricky Gervais.

How on Earth this fat, talentless turd gets awards beats the fucking shit out of me. The man is just NOT funny. When i was a youngster, i always used to wonder why, whenever the late Tommy Cooper came on the box, my old chick would get whichever one of us was nearest to it to "switch it over before i throw my fucking shoes at it". If you were there you would be forgiven for thinking that Cooper had done some personal wrong to my mum. It's only now, all these years later i know exactly how she felt. The guy is just fucking cringeworthy, most of the time you can't tell whether or not he is being serious because he seems to hide behind this permanent mask of sarcasm. Don't get me wrong, when people say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, my usual retort is that it is the ONLY form of wit, and people who say that are just jealous anyway because they have nothing witty to say. Sarcasm is fantastic but it is a tool, not a fucking career path, and he always seems to be playing it for laughs, you can see his ears pricking up waiting for the laughter.

Just for you Rick.....

Fuck off Gervais you smug arrogant cunt! The only thing you will ever be remembered for is dancing like Jabba the fucking Hutt on a fucking treadmill.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

This sucks apple through a straw

Found this over at Fidos. Just thought it worth a look, anybody who takes this seriously needs to be shagged with it.

Frozen stiff

Been a while since i last posted due to my fucking hard drive packing up, nearly as big a twat as Terry cunting Christian. If i can't get into it then it looks like i'll have to buy a new one. Meanwhile, i'll have to use my daughters' pc, so i won't be posting much as it is really cramped in her bedroom, i'm six foot one and this is a two bedroom housing association shoebox we're living in. Also let's hope no trace of this fucking blog remains on her cunting computer where she can access the bastard thing, other wise she's going to get one fucking hell of a spunking english lesson isn't she?

I can't believe that none of you guys have covered this one. You have to laugh and feel sorry for him at the same time, unless he was a new labour cuntwhistle, in which case i heartily recommend you pour lashings of scorn and derision upon him. I nearly pissed my fucking knickers i was laughing that fucking hard at this in work today. I even forgot that i wanted so badly to snap the smelly ones spine.

Back as soon as

Sunday, 4 January 2009

New actor confirmed to play Davros

Davros, creator of the Daleks is to be brought back for a new series of Dr. Who The Screech can reveal......

....oh fuck yeah!!! Was the man made for the part? Or was the part made for the man?

Hat tip to Tractor Stats for the inspiration.

2 girls, 60,441,457 mugs

I know the news is now a bit old hat, that Lord Gord says the British people should look to the spirit of the blitz or whatever it was that helped the country through the second world war, to help us weather this current financial crisis, but Gordon, don't you read the blogs? We are united in that same spirit and laughing in the face of adversity, only what you don't realise is that adversity is you, you soft cunt.

On a serious note, can anybody tell me who performs credit checks on the government? When any of us applies for a loan or mortgage or any financial service whatsoever, then naturally and quite shrewdly so, any responsible lender would do a credit check on said applicant and base their decision on what comes up on the files of Equifax or Experian or any other credit referance agency. Is anybody doing this with the government? The reason i ask is, that recently they decided they were going to borrow a not inconsiderable few billion pounds of our cash to throw at failing useless banks, to try and prop up the shit state economy caused mainly by the banks, and i don't recall being consulted about it or even informed that a credit check had taken place on the possibility of government borrowing our cash. Now i hear whispers that they are looking into the possibility of doing the same thing again, because it failed the first time. Has it gone on record at the credit referance agencies that they have defaulted on the first loan? Just asking....

Friday, 2 January 2009

Here's another one

I don't think this gentleman really merits any introduction on the stage of TWATdom.

Rory Mcgrath truly a TWAT among twats.

Bottom Line

Has been TV presenter Terry Christian just before entering Celebrity big brother on what he calls jealous people "err that bloke's a twat, bottom line is you want my gig." Terry, bottom line is, we really DO think you're a twat. You have TWAT written all over you, when it comes to twats you are unbelievably the king of TWATS. You make Lord Gord Almighty look almost insignifacunt on the scale of TWATABILITY. You sir are the Grand Poobah of the highest imperial order of TWATS to the Nth degree, in short sir you are a FUCKING TWAT.