"My idea of heaven....

..."is to be allowed to be put in manacles, just for a few hours.....they must think you're Lord Gord Almighty."

Well, another year over and what have we done? I know what YOU LOT have done and that's kept me amused for the last few months since i've started this blogging thing. I've thoroughly enjoyed getting all this social and random phlegm off my chest and telling whoever would listen or read, because the Queer one doesn't listen to my ramblings any more. Much respect to The Eye for the accolade, i wasn't sure what to make of it first, but it appears i've been recognised as a blogger (i'd take a bow if my back wasn't in half from working my fucking bollocks off to subsidise Davros Brown and his raging band of loons) and if it wasn't for Fido i probably would not have even got into it. It took me until two days ago to figure out how to display the list of blogs i follow on my own, i knew i was following more than five but wondering why they weren't showing up on my "Blog Roll" (love that term).

It makes me grin to know that my angle on things is amusing some people, although most of it is written in anger i do try to stick a bit of tongue in cheek into it, i have to otherwise i would end up in The Canvas Coat Happy Home. I have also checked out The Devil's Kitchen, a blog i will also be following from now on as he is indeed a "sweary fucker" after my own heart.

That said, i don't think i have time to rant today, as the Queer one is in work and i have to sort out the house and food for tonight, so allow me to wish you all a very happy new year in the hope that it will be a more prosperous (though i suspect the operative word in the case of our government will be preposterous) one than has just passed us by. I also hope that you all, like me are going to forget about our troubles for a few hours and get as pissed as fucking carrots.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Justice yet again

Once again i see that our hard stolen tax-cash is being pissed up against the wall, wasting police time and handing down pussy sentences to dirtbag chavscum who have no respect for life, not even their own kids. Just look at the contempt these pure shit factories display when getting off the hook with it.


Mark & Petra Tyler, were given a two year "community order" (whatever the fuck that means) and fined sixty spunking quid (our cash no doubt) for being out on the lash for seven hours with their four month old son in tow. When the police collared them they said that the kid was hungry and drinking from a stinking bottle with sour milk. Bad enough, but add to this that in all likelihood, the poor little fucker hadn't even had his nappy changed in all that time and this is surely a recipe for a child abouse case? This nauseating pair of cunts should have had the kid taken from them the first moment they were spotted with the buggy tipping from side to side. They are no doubt right now sat in front of their 52" plasma TV, with their mail order X-box 360, stuffing their grids with Greggs pasties and Tenents Super, while the littlun is in a playpen in the corner of the room, nappy hanging from his arse and up to his chest in Milky Bar wrappers and panda pop bottles. And we are fucking subsidising this shit. I've just had probably my most inexpensive Christmas ever (not the worst by a long shot) due to government departmental greed and it brings my piss to boiling point when i see filth like this laughing at us and getting away with it, but for all they have got that isn't earned by them.....

I'd rather not have,
Than be a fucking chav.

Happy new year to you all (except for sponging fucking chavs)

How may i help you sir?

One more thing....

How come, when i phone my bank with a problem or a querie, i get a barely intelligable outsourced curry muncher in Mumbai to deal with my call, but when they are phoning me to give me shit, i get somebody from this country (usually Scottish) but at least somebody whose accent i have no difficulty with, to make sure that i understand every fucking word?

CUNTS!!! THE FUCKING LOT OF THEM!!!

Greedy annoying banks

Why won't the bank leave me alone? Yes, i know i am a few hundred quid in the red, i see it in my statement every time i look online. They know money goes in there every week from my wages and every month from my wifes wages, so why do they ask me whenever they phone me if i have another account from which i can transfer money into my regular account to bring it back into the black?




If i had any other money then i wouldn't be in the fucking red would i you fucking arsetards? What am i the only man in this country to have ever owed you money? If you didn't keep charging me twenty five spunking quid for every minute transaction that has taken me over my authorised limit, thereby taking me back into the doodie for the next month anon and so on and so fucking forth, then perhaps you wouldn't be fucking whingeing about me owing it would you? It's about time somebody brought you lot to book you whining snivelling cunts. Boo fucking hoo, i owe you a few hundred quid and you're trying to make me shit myself? If i owed you a few million, then it would be YOU who were shitting yourselves.Give me a fucking break, yeh yeh blah blah could affect my future credit rating yackety schmackety blah fucking blah, i've been living that line for the last twenty three years, do you really think that you are the first people to have threatened me with that shit? Just fall on something sharp and infected you gorm deficient shit wits.



It's perfectly simple, we have been here before, when i have money going in then they can have some.

Cheap crap scrap

During hard times, it has not been unknown for the Queer one and myself to tighten our belts and buy a supermarkets own brand of neccessities when it comes to the bathroom and cleaning side of things, we will even buy the less expensive own brands of food if it comes to that. That said i have to have a whinge about bog standard, cheapest available toliet paper*. It's all very well it being about 40-50 pence for a packet of four, which in the short term view seems like you're getting a bargain, but by the time i have managed to start one of these rolls off, i can see the grey of the cardboard roll it is wrapped around, which as anybody knows, is not a good sign when you've just taken the dump of your life, you've got a real ring-binder issue going on and it's your last roll, (even worse if you're the only one at home and there's nobody else there to pass you that copy of The Metro which is conveniently out of reach in the living room).



Where is the value in that? You can expect a drop in quality as with most things you get what you pay for, but the last thing you would expect the manufacturer to be generous with is the fucking glue that holds the end in place, By the time you've seperated the sixteen layers that the glue has penetrated, you're left with a knee high pile of white fluff which makes the Andrex Puppy look like it's been tarred & feathered, and about three squares of tissue which is never going to be enough to dehydrate my enormous snot-box of the cold which i have contracted during this lovely season of goodwill to all men, due to me not being able to afford to switch on my heating, (once again my heartfelt gratitude goes out to the C-S FUCKING A for that little yuletide gift).

Supermarket store brands, ripping you off good and proper since whenever they could get away with it.

*Thanks to my daughter for putting me onto this one, as i rarely get the opportunity to start a roll off myself. 2 females in household + mountains of cosmetics and other feminine products = lots of empty bog roll tubes.

Also available......

.....In these amazing colours.

I'm gonna build me a fucking fleet of these things.

Insecta

I had this little motherfucker given to me for Chrimbo by my near and dear ones.


It takes some time to learn to fly it and you get about 6-10 minutes flying time from one thirty minute charge, but fuck, once you start to get the hang of it...what a buzz.

Merry Christmas

Not going to be doing anything much if at all on here today, suffice to say "i'm done drivin" which, as the Queer one will testify, is my code for "it's time for a drink."


So please allow me the opportunity of wishing one and all a very merry Christmas and a prosperous 2009. And for all those miserable buggers who are thinking "i don't need this pigs well wishes" then no worries, i'm sure it would be as easy for you to fuck off and die.


Have fun all

Entertaining Auntie Anne

If my hat wasn't nice and red with white trim on it, i would gladly take it off, throw it to the floor and stamp up and down on it with gusto.

Four hours...FOUR FUCKING HOURS!!!! She came (no innuendo please, it really doesn't bear thinking about), she sat and watched....and watched.....and watched the bloody tv. I refer the learned reader to a classic episode of Father Ted entitled Entertaining Father Stone


"Want to watch Jason & the Argonauts?" "no"
"Want to watch a disney film?" "no"
"Do you like corned beef?" "no" (into the bin flies a plateful of corned beef and pickle sarnies)
"help yourself to some food" her eyes lit up and with the most enthusiasm you've ever seen she was at the table faster than a somalian with a council house key.

Then it was straight back to the sofa with her nosh and watching Eastenders. The queer one made her a glass of mulled wine in the hope that it would knock her out but no such luck. She is the sort of woman that could gatecrash an acid house party and knock it stone dead. Even the lights on our Christmas tree and windows were fading from lack of will to live. Personally i felt that the Dementors from Azkaban had paid more than a flying visit. When four o'clock came round, i was already in the car and waiting quicker than road-runner stops for "free seed"

And so it continues....Merry Christmas Auntie Anne, same time next year?

We have gas

For some obscure reason,my first thought on waking this morning was 'shit, Aunty Anne is coming over for tea today and we haven't got any gas to cook anything' when, suddenly, a flash of inspiration, under the sink i have a spray can of switch cleaner, trichloreothane or trichoethylene or whatever name it gives itself these days to remain on the right side of safety laws. Tried stuff in card slot, let it dry for a few minutes, inserted card and everything worked fine, happy days.



I suppose this is where i should issue a grovelling public apology to aforementioned gas suppliers...well fuck 'em, it's their attitude i'm not happy with, plus there's the fact that i'm the cunt that fixed it and i hope they send someone out tomorrow and he has a wasted journey....ha haha wankers!!!!!

Power Company Bastards

Now is the time i think i am going to take legal action against the electricity suppliers of South Wales, our local electricity and gas supply company. When we were in arrears a few years back, they were quick enough to be hammering on our door with a few fucking balliff vans filling the street and making a public song and dance that WE owed THEM. Now thankfully we don't owe them anything, but this morning our quantum card operated gas meter has packed up, its not registering the card, the gas people insisted it was the card that was the problem, but they sent an engineer out with a new one and get this, they were expecting us to put money on the new card, which we had already done with the old one and haven't got any left to put on it. Anyway i digress, the meter wouldn't register the new card anyway, ergo problem is with meter. Again we phone gas people up and they are saying they can't send anybody out to sort it out of office hours as it is not a life threatening gas leak or something else.


But this is now a case of us having to starve all over the weekend and going without a bath or gas to heat water, so....as THEY are unwilling to supply the service WE are expected to pay for, then as far as i can see they are in breach of contract, like i said it was different when they wanted somthing from us........CUNTS!!!!

So who is going to be the lucky chain tonight then?

Just like this pic

1st piss up of the season

Tonight we are off to visit some dear Friends for a few wet ones so to kick the evening off i raise my Carlsberg Export bottle to you all, then it's away to our Friends to where we will continue with some home brew that was passed onto me yesterday by the queer ones uncle in Merthyr. I've no idea what it is, it might be from a kit for all i know, but in for a penny in for a pound i say, at least i don't have to get up for work in the morning (if i fucking get up at all).


I've not had a drink for a few weeks, what due to overtime being reduced and the C-S-fucking-A chewing my arse, i've not really been able to afford it but what the fuck, it's Christmas and if one can't have a good time at Christmas, then when CAN a chap have a good time? The way Davros is bleeding this country white, the answer to that may soon be never. Most people, when they rob you they run away and don't come back but this CUNT repeatedly returns to the scene of the fucking crime.....FUCK OFF BROWN, YOU'RE NOT WANTED!!!!


But at least tonight i can laugh about these worries...bottoms up folks (that's glass bottoms, not bending over facing east in case any of our fanatic cousins are reading this)

New Labour....Fucking you over good and proper since 1997

Blazing Dazzles II

Does anybody know the whereabouts of a cheap, rear mounted rocket launcher to fit a 1991 Peugot 205?




Went to Merthyr to visit the queers ones aunty this evening and all the way from Pontypool to Aberga-fucking-venny there was some space-docker right on my tail with full beam on his lamps, not only i get it from my rear view mirror but the cunt made a point of actually making sure his light was visible in my wing mirror too!!! Add to that the fact that he was driving a fucking four wheel drive which made the headlamps more at eyelevel with myself and you have a potentially disastrous situation. A number of time i had to put the brakes on to stop myself crashing into the side of the road or other cars. If i'd thought of it at the time i could have put my fog lamp on, i'll bear that in mind for next time and see how THEY like baing dazzled....CUNTS.

And so it starts.....

Man comes home from work, flops himself down on the couch in front of the tv and says to his wife "Quick, get me a beer before it starts" so his mrs opens a can and passes it to him. He gulps it down in seconds flat, burps then says "quick get me another beer before it starts" which she does again, and a third and a fourth time etc....by about the sixth can she start getting a tad pissed off with his demands and shouts "WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GET OFF ORDERING ME ABOUT DEMANDING I GET YOU BEER ALL THE TIME? YOU MUST THINK I'VE GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN SLAVE AROUND AFTER YOU!!! DO YOU THINK I JUST SIT HERE ON MY ARSE ALL DAY? GET YOUR OWN BEER YOU LAZY TWAT!!!



The bloke just looks at her as a parent would look at a child throwing a tantrum, rolled his eyes and calmly says to himself "It's started."


Yup tonight is the start of our visits to family we don't see very often to dish out a few cards and well wishes etc. Tonight it is the turn of my aunt and cousins in Risca, tomorrow the mrs aunt in Merthyr, friday were visiting friends just round the corner for a piss up to celebrate the queer ones birthday, saturday the queer one is out with her friends to celebrate her birthday and leaving the last shithole job she was in, sunday we have another one of her aunts coming for tea then up to mumsies in the evening, monday visit another one of my aunts, tuesday friends coming round for a few wet ones. Altogether a fucking busy week

Seasons greetings

Only ten days to go till that magic time of year when excited little kiddies (and mums and dads) bounce eagerly out of bed like kangaroos on exstacy and with wide eyed anticipation rip open those long awaited gifts under the tree, and the sounds of amazement as they finally get to the present itself and they say "oh fucking hell, socks again"

Not to worry i'm sure the rainbow coloured jumper that Auntie Ann knitted you with the too long sleeves and the torso part that comes up over your beer belly and makes you look gay will be well appreciated by some little third world savage with an eating disorder.

Let's put it another way, now that Davros Brown and his band of merry men has fucked this country up the arse with a continent sized cactus minus lube, you wont be getting that X-box 360 you've been hankering after, but after all Christmas is not about recieving or indeed even the giving of gifts but a time to reflect upon the reason for the existance of the season and to realize that...

New Labour....Fucking you over good and proper since 1997

British financial groups exposed to US fraud.....(allegedly)

And all because Bernard madoff with $50bn (allegedly)



Oh come on...that name was just fucking asking for it......

I shouldn't laugh though, HSBC (my bank) faces potential exposure of almost £670m of it, not to worry though, i'm sure our glorious leader will find a way of making us pay for it.

Kathy Staff (12 July 1928 - 14 December 2008)

Yesterday, British Comedy and indeed the British people lost a national treasure with the passing of Kathy Staff at the age of 80.



Kathy will always be best known for her second to none portrayal of battleaxe Nora Batty in the classic BBC comedy Last of the Summer Wine, with her curlers and her wrinkled stockings which made her a very unlikely sex symbol, and for rebuffing the amorous advances of Compo, played by the late, great Bill Owen, usually fending him off with a sweeping brush or a soaking wet mop. She will also be remembered for roles such as Doris Luke in Crossroads and Mrs. Blewitt in Open All Hours as well as various stage roles.


I always remember as a kid, whatever i was doing on an early Sunday evening would be dropped like a ton of shit as i would religiously head home to watch Summer Wine, and we were always trying to get the girls in school to pull their tights down slightly so they were wrinkled like Noras (sad really but there you go)

God Speed Kathy, may you make them laugh wherever you are going, because we will forever be chuckling here.

Defiance

Sisters Assumpta, Mary, Catherine & Margaret say:-

"NO TO THE SMOKING BAN IN THE WORKPLACE"

Plunging pound not the Government's business

The Government will not intervene to help the plunging pound because maintaining sterling is not its responsibility, ministers said.

Well thank fuck for that! And there was me thinking that Davros Brown liked stealing our cash and handing it over to prop up failing banks and interfering in all other aspects of everything.

Just hold on a fucking minute here, how come it was the governments responsibility when it was OUR money they were using but now the pound is falling they want to bury their heads back up their own arses? Of course it's the fucking governments business, the financial, social and environmental wellbeing of a nation should always, first and foremost be the priority concern of not just ours, but ANY government of ANY nation. Don't pass the buck here you bunch of cunts.

New Labour....Fucking you over good and proper since 1997

Misunderstandings over treaty....

So the Irish voted no to the Lisbon Treaty because of misunderstanding says Caroline Flint, Britains' Minister for Europe.


No you stupid fucking bitch, they voted no because they are not the "big thickos on the island" * you would have us all believe they are. Nobody wants this rehashed European CONstitution whichever way you dirtbags dress it up. At least Ireland HAD a fucking vote which is more than we can say for us, with you cunts selling us up the Rhine. It's just another step towards handing over our National Identity and sovereignty to unelected, unaccountable and faceless beaurocrats with no allegiance to anybody but themselves. The Irish have already rejected it once....so why can't you just take no for a fucking answer?

And what right do YOU have to say why the good people of a different Nation rejected it?





Apart from all that, Ms. Flint, i think you're quite a canny boiler so when are you going to come around and jump my bones? What was that you said? Your party's already fucked me? well it would be nice to have been kissed first.

"And here they are, the Irish people themselves, what a great bunch of lads, aaaahh, would ya look at them there with their black & white outfits"

* Taken from Father Ted

New Labour....Fucking you over good and proper since 1997

PHWOOOAAAARRRR!!!!!

LOOK AT THE TITS ON THIS!!!!

Woolworthless

It's really heart warming at this time of year to listen to the bleating class who didn't pick up the snips they thought they had a god given right to in Woolworths closing down sale. Well boo fucking hoo! as Never the main event states here the poor staff at woolies know that it's not a case of IF but WHEN.



How would you whining fucking bastards like it if you or a member of your family was about to lose their job right on top of Christmas you heartless pricks?

But, you want to know what really gets my fucking goat about you lot.....? It's the fact that most of you (with the exception of the few who were lucky enough to have some holidays left from work or pensioners) were only spending your hard scrounged state benefits which the hard working tax payers of this country fund you with anyway, while (oh the fucking irony of this) us hard working tax-payers knock off work only to find that you shit-wits have taken all the bargains anyway and this isn't just about Woolworths you fucking piss-stains, i hope Davros brown lives up to his promise and shifts some dynamite up your lazy, flacid arses.


To all those at Woolworths and indeed anybody anywhere who are about to lose their jobs or already have and especially at such a bad time of year, my thoughts are with you and my hopes that your troubles will be at a swift end

Off your arse fat-boy

I see the government are still rattling their gnashers about their latest clamp down on the work-shy tax spongers.


With a bit of luck it's not all bluster for a change, and if they manage to do something about getting these lazy bastards out of bed and into work in the mornings then i'll have to put a tick in the margin for work well done.



But i won't hold my breath, i'll just carry on working my balls off while a certain someone i know just sits on his arse drinking tea and smoking (state sponsored) dope all day to ease his "bad back and depression" His name is quite early in the alphabet so i'll be watching closely to see what becomes of it all.

New Labour....Fucking you over good and proper since 1997

No turkey for you this year infidels....

Anjem Choudary doesn't want Muslims to have anything to do with Christmas.
Anjem Choudary doesn't want ANYBODY to have anything to do with Christmas.
Anjem Choudary doesn't want people to smile and have fun.

Anjem Choudary...quite a jolly sort really

Anjem Choudary.......

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DROP DEAD YOU CUNT!!!

Up in smoke

And so the latest move by the Nicotine Nazis to oppress the common smoker is to ban the display of cigarettes in shops that sell them. This is apparently yet another attempt to stop under age smoking.

AS FUCKING IF!!!!

What these deluded wank biscuits don't realize is that it's not advertising that attracts youngsters to smoking in the first place, it is social circumstances (parents smoking, peer pressure etc.) but they won't know this because they don't live in the real world like you or i. Now don't get me wrong, i do not in any way endorse kids smoking, i started when i was eleven and wish i'd never set eyes on the fucking things. I only managed to kick it into touch in may, thats thirty years of "tarmac for yer drive mister". But this is just yet another inexorable step toward the "Nanny State" we hear so much about. It's bad enough that they got it banned in pubs, somewhere that smoking has been going on since smoking began and then they send the Fag Fascists in to make sure landlords are complying...where oh fucking where is this all going to end?



But the real downside to the ban on displays, is that when a cigarette manufacturer brings out a new brand, how the fuck is anybody going to know it exists since they banned advertising some years back too? Also however is Mr. Patel going to make a living selling fags to eight year old chavs now if they can't see their favourite brands and can't compare the latest price reductions between Mayfair and L&B?

New Labour....Fucking you over good and proper since 1997

As the snow lay all about yada yada bollocks

These days we have satellites infesting our heavens, radar, all sorts of techno-compu-gadgetry that makes the scientific world go round but do you suppose i can find one, YES JUST ONE fucking weather forecast that will actually come to pass?

for weeks now we've been warned that "they say we'll get some snow on wednesday" and "better get the tyre chains on it's going to be a blizzard friday night"...all hearsay forecasts i know but you might as well take as much notice of them as you do of the official ones.

I can't even find a decent one on the BBC site, hell they can't even tell me what the weather was this morning never mind what it's going to be.

Now as much as i do love the white stuff, and really admire the postcard picturesque beauty it brings to my local area as well as making my garden look like every bastard elses, since i got my driving license last year i pray it will only snow over Christmas during the time that i don't have to drive anywhere. Funny that, you don't drive and you love the snow any time, but once you get a license you avoid the stuff like the plague. Fuck i must be getting old and grumpy. So please weather...don't fucking snow until i'm fucking ready for it ok? thanks

Spreading the Christmas Cheer

In work on thursday, we were given our Christmas bonus....£30 in high street vouchers, not knocking that...thank you very much boss, better than a kick in the teeth and all that, straight down to Iceland to get the next weeks food shopping and for a bit of Chav spotting (can i say that? is it a criminal offence now? Hold on, let's check with Jacqui Smith)...happy days.


Most of the foremen came wandering about with fistfuls of envelopes containing said vouchers, handing them out to the workers, getting us to sign for them...Happy fucking Christmas. But, and there's always fucking one, the one foreman had to be different, you know the type, if you cut him in half he would have the name of the company written right down the centre. Thinks that by treating the workers like total cunts he is doing the company a favour. He stood at a bench with a couple of stacks of envelopes and made evrybody line up and file past him in an orderly, authoritarian fashion and generally making them feel that he was giving them away from his own back pocket, you could see by the look on his face that he was enjoying every single moment of making them feel small, grateful and insignificant. We were watching him from the plant during a quiet moment in spraying and couldn't believe what we were seeing. We could almost hear his thoughts 'you worthless scum, you are not deserving of this mighty generosity afforded you by this great company, kneel before me for thy vouchers chimps'

So to you Bath Vader....Crappy Fucking Christmas you CUNT!!!

Blazing Dazzles

If you have a driving license then you've already been where i am about to take you. You are driving along quite merrily, listening and singing along to Earth Kitt or Boyzone, it's night time but that's ok because the roads are pretty well iluminated these days (or nights rather)you look in you rear view mirror and see a car coming up behind you, no cause for concern, that is until he's right up your arse and you realize his headlights are on FULL FUCKING BEAM!!!



Christ on a fucking bike! Where is the sense in that? It's fine when you are driving through country lanes where there are no lights for miles and you need to see ahead, but then any considerate driver would dip them for oncoming traffic and then put them back on full again. But in well lit areas where you can quite easily see the road ahead there is no need of it, all that is being achieved is dazzling the fucking bejesus out of the driver in front making him have to concentrate a lot harder on not veering off the fucking road. So if you are one of these drivers then think of the potential consequences of this action and....

Where have all the ball points gone?

One of the most abundant devices known to man, the humble ball point pen. Cheap as chips and nearly everybody buys them by the box, be it kids for their school work, bosses for their office staff, the foreman with his clipboard, hell just about everybody who has ever drawn breath has used one.


But try and find one when you haven't got one to hand and need it desperately, you had one there a few moments ago but now it seems to have disappeared throught the floor. You ask your wife and kids if they have seen one, your wife will tell you "i think there's one in the drawer"....WHAT FUCKING DRAWER? DO WE ONLY HAVE ONE FUCKING DRAWER IN THE HOUSE? you look in said drawer, which is bulging full of junk which you "know" you will use later, junk like keys, the locks for which have long since rusted away, felt pens (no fucking good) pencils with snapped points, endless (and beginning less) miles of gaily cloured cotton thread unraveled from spools intricately tangled in with equal mileage of unwound cassette tape, how the fuck that got there is beyond me as i threw all my cassettes out years ago in favour of the superior quality of the CD, but hell i bet everybody has a drawer like that don't they?.... Minus a fucking pen of course. your kids say they haven't got one when you know you can safely bet a fiver to a pinch of shit they have a handful of the bastard things in their pencil cases.


You ask your workmates if you can borrow one and nine times out of eight you always get some shit-wit who says "i can't lend you it, it's the only one i've got" as if there are no fucking pens in the world, and the ones these tight cunts are even more reluctant to part with are the fucking freebies given them by reps from visiting companies.


To quote from The Ryme of the Ancyent Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge:-

"Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink." WHere the fuck are all the pens in this world?